It's Been a While...

It's been a while ... not since my last cup of coffee though.  That is a daily treat not to be missed and with all the beauty surrounding me in Cape Town and all the gorgeous choices to enjoy a cup - leaves me spoiled.

As you know I have shared my feelings about moving to start my life over again.  We were liquidated as we signed personal surety on all our assets and a large sum of money owed to us by a customer was never settled. We lost it all. In the process of losing all our assets, we lost some friends too and of course our minds. But in this process we were given a brand new baby girl Kiara who has brought us endless joy and lifted our spirits. I thank God for this gift as it truly was a blessing.

I started this Blog to help share my experience and to show you that things could be worse... just some of the emotions and some of the turbulent times you go through and I hope to share some valuable advice and knowledge that I have learned going through this.. it can only make you stronger.
 
The last year was a strain but ending on a high note making another move out of the house of chaos..  Besides the strain of the liquidation placing me in an extremely volatile and emotional state was the fact that I rented a home from Satan or one of his reincarnates. Astonishing as it may seem, things could not get worse? Or could they? Oh yes they did.

Living in a home that was not maintained and with a Landlord that was nasty to say the least left a an even bigger hole in my heart.. I was hoping to enjoy the first years in Cape Town in the home we rented just to try and start at a new life but of course this was not to be. Rising damp, unusable plugs, appliances and no security and much more left us having to deal with more stress at a time where we were really suffering. Kids in a new school in a new province and a baby with constant calls and emails to deal with from disgruntled creditors left us depleted and down. I just could not cope with dealing with someone who was just mean and unapproachable. Our two year lease became a one year fight and struggle leaving before the contract was up. I suffered an emotional breakdown and was unable to function. I literally dreaded him coming to the house and was never at ease being there in case he may show up. I could not answer my cellphone or my email or even go out the house at times because I was worried of bumping into the Liquidator. I seriously contemplated my way out of this world because of all the emotional turmoil I went through and now actually understand how a person just cannot live any longer with the pain and suffering - the pain is real and it sets in and takes over and almost nothing can pull you out of it at times.

What I did learn from this trying situation though is that you should never treat someone else with ill repute or be judgmental towards another person - whatever the situation or whatever the circumstances are. Never make assumptions and try to never tackle someone with prejudice because you never know what they might have been through. You may just be contributing to their suffering and some times it may just be too late for them to get help. Life is too short and precious to risk hurting another heart in the way that I thought mine could never recover.

Sometimes I just want to send this man a message but it's not worth it. I don't think he will ever understand what he actually did to me. The only option is to just go on with life and start new.. again. Unbelievably you will see that you are not alone, so many people have been through a similar situation. There is always something worse that could happen of course. And the good news is that this situation will not last forever. Never forget that.. and you will also learn who your true friends are. The ones that stick through with you no matter what.. and I can count them on my one hand. But like my family they are there to stay.

Another move to a safe place where every day is a new adventure I can start the process again. Many of you will know what I mean or you may know of someone who feels the way I described... and if not I truly hope you never will feel that way because it consumes your soul with sadness. None the less, I have 3 beautiful children and my parents have moved to Cape Town too and without them I don't know what would have happened to me as they supported me and lifted me up each and every day in a number of ways and for that I will forever be greatful.
 

Coffee @ Charley’s Bakery

 

What can I say about Charley’s Bakery? It’s Mucking Afazing for sure! I prefer F@cking Amazing though, sorry Mom and Gill. Now you all know how much I love Blouberg… but the City of Cape Town to me is actually just as awesome. I would be happy living in the City even in an apartment. The City truly is beautiful and clean. It is run so well,  you could be in any First World Country if you didn’t know where you were. The streets are lined with trees, no papers in sight. Water fountains dot circles and art is displayed throughout the streets. A lot of thought has been put into making this City beautiful. I guess that women do it better I have to agree here. My favourite streets in Cape Town are probably your favourite too and that of all the tourists. Long Street and Bree Street are a must to visit, they are lined with Restaurants, Coffee Shops, Bakeries, Butcheries and shopping that can keep you busy for hours and days. The City itself is absolutely safe to walk around in. I gladly take Kiara for walks without feeling the slightest bit insecure. I do stick to the main roads though and obviously in hours when things are busy and happening and in the City of Cape Town that would be 24/7… Cape Town never sleeps. There are diners around the area that are open till the early hours of the morning and some Pizza joints that never close their doors. I walked into a “Pizza Club” the other day that was an actual trance club serving pizzas of the most insane kind such as Lobster & Boerewors… and you could buy tickets to trance parties and of course get VIP underground club passes… and probably more interesting paraphernalia if you requested kindly enough..

There is so much to do in the City. You can take the red bus scenic tour that runs all day and go out all the way to Hout Bay if you like and pop into some wine farms .. hop on and off till 5pm. As you know I love food and have a passion for taste and I never rest till I have cured my cravings… in Cape Town I am very spoiled as there are thousands of amazing, trendy, quirky and awesome little eateries. I’m in the City for the day and ate at The Eastern Food Bazaar. What this place is, is actually a little bit of India placed ornately inside the walls of a large building. Inside the aromatic aromas of the days offerings waft temptingly through the air, the hustle and bustle of hungry diners eating contently at their chosen spot listening to tranquil Indian tunes…what a perfect way to spend my day. Today I decided to go for a Doza which is a very thin pancake made with cheese, corn and curry and topped with salad, chips and a variety of sauces you can pour into little cups. There are basins dotted around the Bazaar where you can wash your hands and that to me is the ultimate because I don’t believe in eating with a knife and fork as you are aware.

 

Within walking distance is Charley’s Bakery. If you have viewed the Cake Angels at work on BBC Food you will have gotten to know them and when you walk into the bakery it’s like being in the TV Show. They are friendly and very helpful as you pick your treat for the week, here I think the fat content is x-rated in any order so I would never indulge for more treats than once per week. Thankfully I don’t live nearby. I love the vibe while you can watch the Cake Angels at work creating their edible masterpieces. Any craving is catered for here. I have tried their wheat free, lemon meringue cup cake, their famous pies, their death by chocolate that even a chocoholic will battle to polish off as there is an insane amount of chocolate in that treat! The cheesecake is to die for and their bright and sparkly cookie monster cup cakes are any kids dream come true. 

I order my Cappuccino which I must admit is bloody good and am quite content to just observe everyone milling in and out with their little pink boxes of Mucking Afazing contents.

I miss you and you and you .. all of you. For real x

Coffee @ On the Rocks.. Blouberg Strand Cape Town

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The wonderful thing about walking along the seafront in Blouberg Strand is that there is always some form of activity, people walking, cycling, walking their dogs, running after their kids… from the main road you can take a lengthy walk passing the little coffee shops scattered around the beach front amongst guest houses, Restaurants and art shops. There is something for everyone and that is what I love about it, like a quaint little village. Kiara has grown used to these walks and looks forward to them. In the beginning she used to sleep a lot, now she sings along pointing at the ocean repeating “sea, sea”…. She’s just so cute. It just makes my heart break that her Nana, Papa, Granny, uncles & aunts can’t see her growing up. 

On the Rocks is literally on the beach with the most breath taking views of the Atlantic Ocean in every direction. I love sitting watching the birds and the occasional dolphin from here, you don’t get closer to paradise than this really.  The sunsets over Robben Island are world renowned and On the Rocks is one of the most exquisite and internationally acclaimed restaurants in Cape Town. Your perfect wedding could take place right here, how perfect.. ... 

I order my Cappuccino while Kiara sits contently on her blanket on the ground playing with her Lamaze Doll she loves and demanded from the shops. 

I had the most wonderful pregnancies and truly enjoyed being pregnant each time. I miss it terribly in fact. I could be pregnant permanently as that is when I am the happiest. Even though my world was falling apart when I was pregnant with Kiara, she helped me keep it together. I wrote each of my kids a diary while pregnant keeping it updated with everything. When things started to go very wrong I just prayed so hard that someone would help me and look after me. I believe Kiara was sent like an angel to do that because without her I would not be here…She was the answer to my prayers.

A few weeks before she was due I moved into my parents home which was such a special time as the kids and I got to see them every day and spend time with them living a normal family life. I often just wish it was still that way. The world without your family is just not right. I love them all too much. My sister, beautiful, talented and filled with light lives in Durban. I was lucky enough to visit her 3-4 times a year. Now almost a year has passed that I have not seen her. I miss her and the boys so much. It frustrates me that life has stopped for me, as if I live in a little bubble… But it cannot go on forever right? 

Before you ever go into business you should be told certain things. All I know is that everything I have learned will be drilled into the heads of my kids and I would ensure that they always find out everything there is to know before they start on something, no matter what it may be. One is never told about what could go wrong, what implications there are if you sign certain things… you just do what you think is right, but without knowledge of the legalities and implications you are walking into darkness and you could get very very lost. Having started this business purely for my husband I set out to do what most people do when they start a business. Get loans, open accounts, hire staff, grow… but I also signed surety and never thought that we would have clients who would not pay us. I actually did not run the business at all and did not make management decisions. All I can think is that if I knew the severity of signing surety I do not recommend it and honestly think it should not ever be an option. But I did and I lost it all. Houses, cars, pension, investments and everything else including my mind. 

Anyway, the liquidation process is absolutely the worst of situations I have ever found myself in. You are treated like a criminal, placed in hearings surrounded by lawyers and a commissioner of oaths, being recorded in a room and judged and ridiculed. They will imply that you may have hid money and they will try and force you to get money from your family. They are heartless and will do whatever it takes to try and break you. I will never allow my kids to ever be placed in a situation like this as the damage it does to you is irreparable. After almost 2 years it still is not over. I unfortunately did not really look into the meaning of what it meant to be a Director of a company. I never did any research or ever took it very seriously that I am actually liable for so much. My functions were never serious but now all the questions are directed at me and I have no answers for them. Try explaining that to a panel of people who don’t care. The truth of the matter is I was ignorant to the fact that being a director carries weight. Do yourself a favour and be aware of the legal implications always.

I have been lucky in the sense that I have such amazing family who help me from the other side of the Country. The only thing I found difficult in the situation I was placed in is that I am not able to chat on the phone. Firstly the phone would ring and I could not answer it so I decided to switch it off. I just could not cope with answering phones, mail, opening post etc and I am sure that was part of my nervous breakdown.  Chatting to my family and friends on the phone also left me feeling really sad and I would just get very depressed so I avoided chatting and I am sure it made me look rude, but truthfully I just could not get words out without the tears. Months later, I find it easier to chat and now I do enjoy it. I thank all my family and friends for their patience and understanding during this time as I know they have no idea what I am going through and may wonder what is wrong with me. 

I take a breath, looking down at what God gave me playing peacefully and unaware of the turmoil surrounding her, how she came out so happy and at peace just leaves me speechless. She looks up at me with her big eyes and smiles and that just melts my heart. If I have to go through all of this again to have her, I would without a doubt, her soul is just pure and the love she gives me is without a doubt humbling. What a little angel.

Coffee @ Petis Four, Blouberg Strand

Walking along the magnificent Cape coast line you cannot help but stare in awe at an incredible landscape with the majestic view of Table Mountain, the white sandy beaches and clear Atlantic Ocean with bubbly waves crashing against rocks and when you’re lucky catch a glimpse of a dolphin or a seal playing in the surf. The air is fresh and crisp, a little chilly this time of year as winter nears its end and spring is welcomed. I like to walk along the coast with my little sidekick who has helped me through the rough times and kept my feet on the ground following my new path where I don’t know will take me. I can only smile at the prospect of it having to be better than the situation I currently find myself in. 

Petis Four is a quirky little cottage right on the seafront. While tourists vie for seats in the small outside area, the locals, with whom the venue is very popular, prefer the sheltered and cosier indoors. I pass this gorgeous little French Patisserie every time Kiara and I go on our walk and I so look forward to popping in for my daily dose of caffeine as I am almost transported into Europe with the tantalising aromas of freshly baked croissants, pies, tarts and cakes all dramatically showcased making it so painstakingly difficult to choose what not to have because it would be preferable to have one of everything..

I placed my order for my Cappuccino and glanced out the window – being near to the sea on a daily basis is just as therapeutic as my Cappuccino.  

In December when I first got here I walked into a chaotic dwelling.. My husband had been staying alone for 2 months while the kids and I stayed with my folks. It was so hot, the sun was beating down with fury and I remember walking into someone else’s life.. like a stranger trying to recognise my things in a home of someone I did not know.. Where was I and where was I going to start? I decided to take the kids to the shop and get some basics. I honestly felt like I was camping except my idea of camping and this reality was a little shocking to say the least. Cleaning and unpacking. I was going to be here for a while still… but I was adamant that I get as much done as quickly as possible. Luckily we had been spending a lot of time in Cape Town before all the chaos and we knew our way around well and the kids were settled. I was just wondering where they were going to go to school.. uniforms, stationary, etc… “what if I could not walk there?”, “where would they go if I could not get them in nearby?”, so many questions.. and no answers.

The summertime is really hot and the days are long starting at 6am sun going down at 9pm so I just got lost in those hours of day light and before I knew it everything was done. I found a clinic in Melkbos which is about a 10 minute drive where I could take the kids as Kiara had to still have injections regularly. What a pleasant surprise as I have never in my life been without a medical aid. In Johannesburg I went to a clinic and was just so shocked at the que being down the street never mind out the door. The Clinic was clean, well run, quiet and the staff were really friendly and helpful. Best of all this was all free.. something I really have to get my head around as I remember always sending bills to the Medical Aid of thousands for menial things. Now I walked in and they gave me what I needed for nothing and welcomed me back should I have any issues, even giving me a contact number for after hours and to remember I should phone in next time as to avoid the que if I bring my baby for her check-ups.. I was so impressed.

I must admit though, I would not have coped so well had it not been for my kids keeping me going. I dreaded if something happened to them and kept yelling at them to be careful walking down the stairs, or swimming in case they had to go to hospital… they thought I had lost my mind. Well they were not wrong. 

The stress of having had Kiara and not knowing what was going to happen in the near future with all the new surroundings, and plans to fit in and get structure with no family around was the hardest pain I have felt. It was not just an empty feeling that I missed them it was a physical pain and agony that at times I felt so impossible to overcome. I would just burst into tears thinking of them. Or when I washed up I would just have these hot tears running down my face. I just did not know what to do about them, and I never wanted the kids to know I was feeling this way. The worst was when I went to the shops and just did not know what to get.. I would walk up and down with the tears running trying to concentrate but just felt like running out. Breathe.. calm down.. I had to keep telling myself to stop and pull it together. Luckily this way I saved on make up as I decided it pointless to wear any because I was bursting into tears 3 times a day. I also learned that the best time to cry was in the shower as I could just let the stream of those tears go for a while. Was it really possible to feel this alone.. this destitute? But I had to smile and be myself to everyone else, cook dinner and do normal things when I felt so far from normal at all…

Every Morning Over Coffee..

Every morning over coffee… if you are not at an office, you are at the gym or with a friend for coffee… or at home and looking forward to that beautiful cup of coffee to get you through the day. People tend to make coffee a ritual, a meeting place to discuss business, pleasure or problems. For some like me, you will be left to have coffee and think.. alone.. and how your mind does wonder. 

I moved away from my home town, almost 1500km away from where I was born. Away from my family and friends where coffee was our 10am catch up time to sit and chat and enjoy a break away from our normal routine and environment.  Most of us nowadays tend to go out for coffee with a friend or family member, I always used to go out with my Mom for coffee and every day we would make it a special outing and compare our favourite places such as who served the best coffee, presentation and atmosphere of the place we were visiting and enjoyed just chatting about anything and everything.

Now that I live so far away from my Mom and my best friends, alone in a new environment I have decided to just share my mind now that I don’t have anyone to chat to. Everyone wants to know what you are thinking in any case right? Curiosity about someone else’s life and what they have been going through .. right?. Believe me, my journey is riveting… to say the least and I am just so tired of being alone. 

This morning I found myself seated at a new coffee shop just down the road from where I live called “Bread & Butter”. It really is quaint and although busy has a calm hustle and bustle about it.  There is a large table with beautiful stands showcasing the daily treats you may or may not be able to resist. I love it’s old school charm serving a large variety of treats such as gourmet sandwiches, wheat free chocolate torte and red velvet cheesecake encased in meringue…  and their coffee is outstanding and beautifully presented. 

My road has been long. I have been living here in Cape Town since December 2012. Having had our business liquidated and after losing everything and having a baby in one year then leaving everyone behind to start fresh in a new City in a new Province with no support has been tough. I have 2 gorgeous older kids too, my son has just turned 13 and my daughter is 10.. my baby is 10 months.  The stress one goes through either moving or liquidating is a daunting nightmare in itself. Throw in a baby, being left with 1 car and no medical aid, no pension, no savings and no home into the mix.. you are left with a rather explosive cocktail almost impossible to swallow. 

In the beginning when I first got here not having seen where I would be living or not even having my kids enrolled into a school yet and in Johannesburg they were in private schools was shocking. I was so dismayed. I had no idea how I was going to cope. I also had no idea how I was going to get around. 

Luckily we moved to an area that had shops and schools within walking distance. I could walk?  That was new to me of course as Johannesburg everything is so far apart and you are lost without a car.  Pleasantly surprised I could make do without the car – most of the time. Could I see this situation coming? Did I have any idea that I would ever end up like this? Absolutely not! Whatever the circumstances though, this is my new life.  Sadly what makes it worse is being alone. I used to have a full time housekeeper since I was married – for 13 years. Now I had no one to help and a baby to take care of.  I needed to think of something I could do just to keep sane. Walking along the beach was the most obvious choice and I did find it the most calming and through tears could somehow just find a little solace imagining the waves washing away my anguished pain.. even if it were only for a little while. 

My husband got a job quickly but it was not fantastic as he had to travel leaving me even more alone than ever. One can never actually imagine the emptiness of such chaos!

I decided the only way I could get through life was to live each day at a time. Wondering, thinking and panicking just consumed my mind daily for weeks and weeks and I had to stop it. When you are used to going to the shop and buying whatever you needed and were now limited to do it daily to fit into your pram was quite different on a budget. I had never had to follow a budget before. Here I am looking at hundreds of items and not knowing which ones I should pick and what I would need tomorrow or what I should get today because I just could not think logically. Eventually I decided to write a list.. yes I should have done that ages ago – I have never been a “follow the list” kinda person. There was a lot I was about to learn.